A Rainy evening

photo by Alicia Zinn

I thought I have no memories left

I was wrong

Now I feel it haunts me

The harder I try to forget the more I get caught into it

Don’t know what’s wrong?

I stepped out my room bare foot on balcony

I sensed cold water droplets,

Then I realized that it rained

I stand slightly tilt, my right arms with support of wall

Suddenly wind rushed towards me as if it wanted tell me something

It rushed and penetrated my skin and got absorbed into my bones

Giving me chills,

I took deep breath;

Inhaled beautiful smell of wet earth

I observed few water droplets on grills

I looked into one droplet sliding

But noticed other win the race;

Or May be there wasn’t any race at all!

I saw my plant on balcony, showing me direction of the wind

I remember I spotted moon a few minutes ago

I moved few steps ahead and tried to find it again

But the blanket of clouds have covered it so well

Leaving no clue.

Then I placed myself back to the same position again

Noticed lightening, up there in clouds

Sharp, with random creases;

And within fraction of seconds it went off

I waited for another one,

But I didn’t find it there, where I was looking

Rather I have noticed it somewhere else

It made me to think that may be sometimes what we are looking for

Need not to be found in the place where we have lost them

May be we can spot them out somewhere else, may be better place

But in between observing all these, one thing was constant in my mind;

And it was memories of how people have made me feel, as I have met them;

With passing time.

-Susmita Roy

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric

You matter

Photo by cottonbro

I wish I could write happy poetries

But I couldn’t, you know why?

Because I don’t feel so

I feel sorry for myself

For the sleepless nights that I spend in pain

With heavy heart, wet pillows

Weeping till eyes are swollen again

Hugging pillow tight;

Trying endlessly to mend hollowness inside

Remembering your talk, your gaze

That shine in your eyes;

When I see you happy inside out

Those soft wrinkles around your eyes;

When you smile,

I wish you could understand;

How much you matter to me.

Whatever I have treasured;

Are the memories that holds you in them

All I have asked is for your presence, is it too much to ask?

It’s not even to make you mine, just your mere presence.  

I wish you could see and feel, what I feel;

May be that might could have make you stay.

I wish you could come back again

Not just because I want it;

But because I know you want it too.

-Susmita Roy

Photo by fotografierende

You were never mine!!

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova

You were you and I was me, perfect and full individually.

It was then, I realized that what seems like, need not to be always true!

As time passes we walked parallel, talking unfolding thoughts and, ideas. I perceived that I was partial even he was too.

There were some gaps that needed to be filled, guess what?!! As time passes, how we mend each other’s gaps so well unknowingly and, it was a perfect fit startlingly. This link that was built over time, failed all the social barriers.

With the passing days, I thought I have heard him enough, known his dreams enough, his past, his present and, his most sinful thoughts to deeds. I thought I have got it all, cause how hard it could be to understand one? Whom you spend quality time with.

To every conversation that I shared with him gave me brightest of imagination and colourful dreams, where everything was possible.

I trusted him with all, no if, no but, no what if, I accepted him with all. Even when I was unsure about every moment.

Days slipped into weeks, weeks to months and, then he built home in me and I built home in him too, I was ready, I was ready to give every inch of me.

He dropped one fine day, the moment it all sank in deepest of oceans, all broken and scattered, all turned out to be a whole mess.

I knew that deep down he wanted it all and, nothing at once, he wanted the love but was not ready to be bound in any commitments. He led me question to all the feelings that I let created within me in his presence.

I broke that day, knowing that there were some created limitations that he surrounded with and I tried to cross it unknowingly, trust me if I knew it, that there were also boundaries in his love for me, I could have never loved him. Because at least in love I didn’t wanted any barriers.

Then, I realized all these were meant to make me realize that he was never mine ‘you were never mine’. A lesson learnt for good.

-Susmita Roy.

Photo by Lorraine Steriopol

The balcony

Photo by Carmen Cobo

You know?! There are times once in a blue moon that my phone rings, no it does ring often but I’m talking about the times when someone special calls. During those nights I give up all the things that are important just to get some time to talk to that one person, in front of whom all my so called necessary or important jobs seems less important. As soon as my phone rings and I found it is from him, I’ll rush to next room or mostly ‘the balcony’ to have some space, my friend would ask me “Kya baat hai? Kon hai?” I could never answer those questions what would I say? I always give a broad smile and head to balcony. Because things have never been clear to me or to him to be able to explain to others.

So I rush to balcony where there is that broken cloth hanging two rods that neither I nor my friends could fix it to have that pull and drop convenience. Though we still use it to put our clothes to dry. Passing this in our rectangular small balcony I find space to fit my two foot and lay my arms on the balcony wall. I would quickly picked the call and you know this was the call because just to enquire why did I called him earlier.

Sometimes he would ask me about me like how am I doing and my family and I would ask the same and then he would say I have some work and I’ll say in reply oh okay! No problem then he would cut the call.

During those times you have no clue how I covet to talk to you but you would end up, as you have mostly being caught up with your job.  

Then standing there in support with balcony wall. I, making my face resting on my right palm, holding phone on my left hand and thinking endlessly. Facing beautiful night view few tall buff up buildings, a number of coconut trees, road with few rushing vehicles, and beautiful night sky with stars if I’m lucky enough I get to see moon too. Mostly the cool breeze that would hit me, making me realize that ‘you should move on’ but me and my tenacious heart would find one or all the beautiful memories to not to let him go.

Then most often I would play some old songs and enjoy viewing the night sky, wind blowing against my body, thinking of him, what if I shouldn’t have to fear to lose him anymore?

-Susmita Roy

Photo by Kevin Menajang

You are my Sky!

Photo by TITUS GROUP

Hello!

Thanks! For making time and taking pause from all the drama that goes in an everyday life to read this piece right here. So this is a story about a 21 years old girl yes girl! Cuz she still chose to live in her fantasy world, where love and emotions are given more weightage than anything else. Where she still believes love will win no matter what? But until when she is gonna keep her-self locked in shell that she created with her imagination. She was happy in love, for her everything seems so perfect but only in her view but the society will never praise her for the feelings that she has let it to make home in her heart.

Going back in time when she is about 16 years old she has fantasized her world will be filled with love and the surprising thing is that she was little practical that she used to also think about the other side of the coin is also possible that not getting what she wants, but which used to remain unanswered. She was naïve, honest, kind and often used to say, if she loves someone she will love with all her heart out. This thing was fixed. Growing up to 21, she found the one who loves her like no one else and even she is loving with all her heart out as she uttered it when she was 16.

Things were perfect even all unhappy days when shared with each other appeared bearable. The love was felt more rather stating it that I love you, care was taken more rather showing off, things were understood without even expressing, the bond was that pious and strong.

She still get amazed seeing past how things were all shorted and beautiful it was!! But now when she is 24, life seems like it has caught us into the web that is too complicated to break and come out.

-Susmita Roy

Processed with VSCO with e5 preset

Re-discovering my old diary

You remember? How I used to reach out to tell you everything!

From mood off, small arguments, feeling small to health issues

Small things that I learned today to the things that brought smile on my face

About mundane stuffs to new things that I’m finding interesting recently

You were there to listen to me to be happy with me, to pull me up when I was downhearted

You remember how you used to appreciate every piece of my writings to all my paintings

You taught me to never giving up on things which I loved doing

But who would have thought that IG page if you remember I created it

Because once you told me let the people know what you have got

I started that page and it was lovely it gave me so many friends,

Lots of appreciation, courage that yes I can do something that is good that people can actually resonate with and connect with me.

I was glad it reached 370 followers with 149 posts I never though I can really reach that many as it was just my hobbies coming out and reaching people. Though now I have erased the account but memories are still intact in my mind.

For my writings, you told me once that you love it so much and you have never seen such kind of writing as you have read so many foreign author books, but you felt something special is there in my writings I didn’t believed and I told you, are you lying? But you said no I’m not.

But see it makes no sense to me, as my writings couldn’t bring you back.

It couldn’t make you realize that how much you presence is important in my life,

It couldn’t make you understand that I’m so sorry for past and I wanted new beginning.

But you just chose to be silent.

I’m sure I won’t regret it because in last letter I expressed my heart out and openly asked for new beginning. But do you think it is good to not to talk? I might be younger than you but I guess I have understood the importance of human beings in our lives, their emotions and moreover that our life is uncertain.

Can you afford to not talk for so long? But you always loved them silently, I just want to say that don’t come to my grave to express how much you loved and cared for me when you couldn’t say it when I was alive. Seems life is a joke I can’t even have a tomb in graveyard because I’m Hindu. I don’t know you may laugh at this or not that’s up to you.

So I don’t really believe that I’m a good writer.

Now as you were not there, I reach out to diaries again where I used to express myself before I met you,

Actually your presence made me to feel there is need of diary at all, but now you see I’m re-discovering it again.

It never left me. It’s still there lying on my desk without anger that why didn’t I share my thoughts for so long? It didn’t even asked me anything and have embraced me again.

I think this time I’ll not give up on my diary, it is my forever, because humans can’t be that’s what I have realized recently.

-Susmita Roy.

Photo by Markus Winkler

Your birthday

Belated birthday wishes to you

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch

I noticed you well that day

You were in dark blue jeans, checked shirt and a pair black shoes

Your shirt was colourful and seemed so new and vibrant!

My eyes got stuck, and I couldn’t resist myself appreciating your new look

As it was different from your usual plane shirt collections

Then, I ended up making a gesture with my finger;

And supporting with words nice dress!

In return you said it’s my birthday;

I was in hurry leaving the room

But as soon as I heard you;

I came back in surprise and wished you happy birthday!

You said thank you with big smile.

Then made myself to leave to continue with my stuffs

As soon as day ended from workplace, I saw you again

We started walking together then, you paused;

Bringing your mobile out of your pocket

And asked me shall we take a selfie

You have no clue how much happy it made me

Then we headed outwards and it was time to bye to each other;

But you asked shall we have ice-cream outside

I was like no it’s okay, as you know I’m damn shy person

Then you said I don’t have anyone here to celebrate my birthday with

These words hit me and I uttered let’s go!

We headed to nearest place then you asked which flavour you’d like;

I said anything you like, you ordered vanilla;

We had it with some awkward smiles and talks

Then as soon as we finished our ice creams

We headed out, I said thanks for the treat and happy birthday.

You said thanks for coming, then we said bye to each other and left

But as soon as I reached my room, I just kept on recapping all the things that happened

Because it made me so happy, spending time with you

You know what?! Each minute spent with you becomes special automatically

Without any effort, naturally.

Suddenly these memories popped out of head and made me to write it.

-Susmita Roy

Photo by Kaustubh Swami

Lost

Lost

Photo by TanteTati–77004

I put on this big smile

Sometimes I’m my smile

Sometimes I’m not         

Sometimes happiness is on its peak;

Found on smallest things

Sometimes it’s just too hard;

It’s all dark and cold

I just feel hard to get up from bed

Happiness is no more in achievements

I feel this emptiness

I wonder, why it’s just so hard to forget you.

It’s been few months now

You didn’t even try to reach me

I did try to reach you but my attempts failed

You wonder why?

You left me with no options to reach you.

Don’t know whom to tell

How it exactly feels?

I just don’t prefer to open up

Thinking about the pain;

They won’t even understand

It’s damn silly, isn’t it?

Looking for happiness where I lost them

Why there is hope that you’ll come back

But now I’m losing it, hope and myself

I don’t know what’s right or wrong

I just know that I love and care for you and will always do.

No matter what.

-Susmita Roy

Hope

Photo by Leah Kelley

“Dada”

To my human superhero

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok

Probably the word “Dada” that I learnt to utter just after saying “Maa” and “Baba”

Though it isn’t just a word to me, it’s him;

The most important grown up person next to parents

Who has guided me always without any appreciation

He taught me karate, lol! I’m kidding it was just a part of childhood games

He’s my very first inspiration behind improving my handwriting;

I remember copying bunch of letters from his notebooks secretly.

He stands as an inspiration to me on stuffs like art, music and science.

I always love his art works you name it! From acrylic paints to clay art to digital art everything.

Okay! It wouldn’t be justice if I only acknowledge my brother for music because I got my dad too to share this part here.

We were not exception in fighting like any other kids, we fought every single day!

Well now I don’t remember why there wasn’t any thing called “Peace and harmony”

But I guess childhood is meant to be like that;

I remember him suggesting me to participate in any sort of public speaking competitions

And practicing in front of mirror, that’s what he taught me.

He also taught me how learning English is crucial in order to communicate with others,

So that I can present well my ideas and get to interact with large group of people.

If you see me as a person with interests in variety of things it would be because of him.

Like I got to know Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Michael Jackson, 50 Cent, Eminem, Metallica band all these western most popular musicians just because of him.

Though I remember complaining to my mom whenever he played heavy metal songs

Because heavy metal music feels literal earthquake!!

Reading books, I remember he often used to read basking in the sun at our backyard

He’s an avid reader and a bibliomane

I learnt how to respect books, and I hate when someone marks my book with a pen

I got this thing from my brother he also hates it.

Earlier he always used to amaze me and my younger sister;

With exciting science stuffs like aliens, time machine, parallel world, dinosaur, dragon.

These topics always used to blow my minds, always gives me different dimension to think.

He’s a really good speaker, a debater. He can spellbind with his communication skills.

I never realized, but when I look back he was the most favourite one among kids.

Kids they love him a lot. I’m not exaggerating things rather underlining the truth

Nowadays we laugh at the things once we used to fight for, it seems like yesterday that we were all together annoying our beloved mother with our arguments and super loud noises.

That’s how we grew up!

The things which I never understood back than like him criticizing me to become a better person.

I remember him saying that, “Criticism will make you strong”

Indeed! Life is not always rosy, sometimes it’s dark!

And we got to stand strong during such times fighting against odds;

Now I have realized that how much I’m blessed to have you as my brother.

Yours

-Susmita Roy

Childhood memories

Photo by Dan Hamill

Let’s update our outdated binary gender vocabulary

The pride community

Photo by nancydowd–1169283

Hello folks! Yeah!! You heard me right. It’s a high time to update our inflexible and outdated binary gender vocabulary. I’m sure all of you know the basic vocabularies such as masculine and feminine (the binary gender) but there is a rainbow (many) terms that you must know, understand, use and also educate others and encourage them to use whenever required.

So let’s get started!!

Here is an acronym LGBTQQIAAP2S.

I know many of you know first two to four letters or may know all of them. If you know all of them that’s great!! And then it’s probably not for you and others who does not know can stay and read the whole thing right here, please stay with me and educate yourself, thank you!

Let’s get started peeps!!

The first letter “L” stands for “Lesbian”. It simply means that a female is sexually attracted to other female. Or in another words this kind of relationship is called homosexual (‘homo’ means ‘same’) relationship.

Second letter is “G” stands for “Gay”. It is basically used to denote that a man is sexually attracted to other man or can be used to denote those who are attracted to same sex can be female-female too (homosexual).

Moving to next letter that is “B” is for “Bisexual”. It can be used when a male is sexually attracted to another male or a female (‘bi’ means ‘two’). A female is sexually attracted to another female or a male.

Next is “T” which stands for “Transgender”. It is used when an individual’s mental and emotional gender does not match with their biological gender identity. Basically in this case an individual is born as a boy but later in life he discovers that he feels more like a woman. Similarly, an individual is born as a girl but later finds out she feels more like a man. There comes another term called “Trans-sexual” in which an individual changes one’s gender identity through surgery and in combination with hormonal therapy to feel inside out same and complete. This term can also be used to denote Transwoman (who changes their gender identity from a male to a female) and Transman (who changes from female to male).

The letter “Q” stands for “Queer”. It is an umbrella term used to denote the whole lgbtq+ community. Basically, means instead of saying LGBTQQIAAP2S you can actually use the term queer instead. It is also used when someone is not sure whether they fit in LGBT so they prefer using queer. But it’s preferred more to specifically denote an individual with their proper gender identity if known.

The next letter is “Q” again and this time it stands for “Questioning”. In this case an individual is still wondering or questioning about their own gender identity and sexual preference.

The letter “I” stands for “Intersex”. It is basically a condition when an individual have some chromosomal or hormonal abnormalities due to which their genitals and their male or female phenotypical characteristics are under developed or are ambiguous. In such cases the doctors perform surgeries to assign gender to babies after their birth. Though it is not a compulsion to undergo a surgery it’s up to them to choose if they want to do surgery or not because they can still live a healthy life as they are.

Heading to next letter “A” denotes “Asexual”. In this case an individual is only romantically attracted to other genders but not sexually. An important point to be noted here is that it is different from a term called “Agender” means that individual is neither a male nor a female.

Next letter is the interesting one which is “A” again but here it stands for “Ally”. It is a term that used to denote someone who doesn’t belong to the lqbtq+ community themselves but supports the queer community. So it can be “me” and “you” if we support this community to get them their rights to live on this planet like everyone else does. Though there is a long way to go.

Moving to next letter “P” here it denotes “Pansexual”. It means an individual can be sexually attracted to any of the gender (binary) or from lgbtq+ community. It is also used when an individual is attracted to other’s personality.

The last letter of the pride community is “2S” stands for twin spirit. In this case an individual shows both male and female qualities in their gender identity, sexuality or in personality.

Here, we are done with understanding all the letters from the Queer community and if you are interested you may further read and understand other vocabularies too as there are many and I would encourage you to understand more about pride community. So, here I want to add that just now what you have learnt is not just to add on to your vocabulary but also to make you understand the world and people out there who are not enjoying all the basic human rights as we do.

Remember they need your support, love and lots of acceptance. It’s a reminder that it wasn’t their choice rather it is a biological phenomenon if you remember you didn’t decide your gender so are they. So next time you see someone from queer community (pride community) do not stare them just be cool and if possible talk to them.

There are other terms too like “cross-dresser” are the one who feels like female but has anatomy of a male so they dress like woman. Similarly, one is born as female but feels like man and hence dress like a man.

Another term is “Non-binary” means all the “queer gender” can be called as non-binary as they do not fall under conventional outdated binary gender category.

The term “Gender fluidity” is used when one does not define themselves as anyone particular gender rather remains flexible about it.

Important point here is that the “gender identity” is different from (sexuality or sexual orientation). Gender identity is the biological gender that we are born with. Whereas sexual orientation is our sexual preference of having sexual relationship with our partner.

It is also a good thing if you can ask someone from lgbtq+ community to which “pronoun” they prefer, that’s always a good way to start conversation. If you do not know which one to use you can always use “they” or “them” I know it might sound little odd here to denote a single person with plural pronoun but never use inanimate pronoun like “it”.

This is for all the Indian homophobic people out there against lgbtq+ community. In India basically the transgender community or intersex people are acknowledged as “Hijra” or “Chhakka” or “Kinner” or “Aravani/Aruvani” or “Jagappa”. Do not use these terms to your tease your friend it’s not funny at all, if he dresses a bit different than you.

Another thing is like do not complain if next time you encounter one from transgender community begging in train. I have often witness that you complain at their back saying like why they are begging in train as they have got perfectly working pair of hands and legs? Before going to that are you aware?? that they don’t even get to express their gender in the first place because we never see them as so called “normal” we don’t know how to talk to them  respect them, or accept them as they are, we really don’t.

Further they don’t even enjoy rights as half as we do. So you were asking about them earning right?!! Let me ask you this! Did our government have made that thing possible yet? If not then don’t you think we also have some responsibility to work on right? I hope you get what I meant to say here.

Please support lgbtq+ community educate more people your family, your son or daughter, your neighbour, your uncle and aunties, your friends, your juniors, brothers, sisters, your partner, your co-workers, your students (basically I believe teachers can reach out to educate more young minds and educate them). Let’s go ahead let’s break this taboo. Let’s talk and educate and fight for pride community.

This blog will be of no use if no one reads it or spread the knowledge or the awareness about lgbtq+ community. Please read, educate and share so that we all can come together to know how to behave and to support, love and care our pride community.

(Note: Sorry if anything has hurt here anyone or made anyone uncomfortable, my intension wasn’t that at all. My only intension here is to educate more people, making people aware and supporting lgbtq+ community). You can also make donations to NGOs or the community to support them as due to this pandemic they are suffering from hunger more than the COVID-19 outbreak. And thank you so much for reading this.

[References: Youtube videos, documentaries, Wikipedia and other articles]

Dated: 28.07.2020

Documented Time: 4:14 am

Place: India.

Much love to all

-Susmita Roy

Support the pride community

Photo by Anna Shvets