Trying to declutter…

Huh! Finally got time to take out my laptop to declutter my perplexed brain

Sounds dramatic now, college is resuming from Monday onwards

Feeling like that zeal is gone in general and finding myself so lonely

Oh yes! I’m aware about the word “lonely” here

I think it’s okay to feel that way because I’m living alone

Damn! Realizing that it was such a long duration of isolation more than 8 months!

Wow! I mean wowww 8 months dude!!

8 months of sleepy mornings, sleepless nights

Unstoppable weird thoughts,

Sometimes badly missing home or friends.

Working, cooking, cleaning

Weeping or crying for don’t know what!!

Finding myself binge watching series/movies

Scrolling phones or switching between phone and laptop and repeating

Of course! Thanks to my saviour online food delivery services;

Have helped me a lot to cope up my bad mood swings.

Finding out the fact that people they can really leave you;

Despite of the love that you offer to them.

Realizing friends can become strangers too.

Suddenly noticing that I’m not being productive;

Then trying hard fighting with my own thoughts that its okay! To be like this;

And sometimes not agreeing with my own thoughts at all.

It’s a loop!

Thinking to change my sleeping habits but guess what?!

My phone doesn’t leaves me or may be other way around (Eeee)

Also found out myself being so moody, irritating and have lost interest in talking to people.

No! Not the actual talking, I still love talking to people directly than through phone/messages

But that’s what makes me and my loved ones connected, no I’m not against tech

But I really have lost interest in typing messages, you know what I mean (meh)

I know I’m not even making any point here, anyways whoever reads this, I hope you are doing fine.

If you’re like me messed up (it’s just an outline lol) don’t worry, you are not alone (Eeee).

Hope things will be fine again. Take care.

-Susmita Roy

A Rainy evening

photo by Alicia Zinn

I thought I have no memories left

I was wrong

Now I feel it haunts me

The harder I try to forget the more I get caught into it

Don’t know what’s wrong?

I stepped out my room bare foot on balcony

I sensed cold water droplets,

Then I realized that it rained

I stand slightly tilt, my right arms with support of wall

Suddenly wind rushed towards me as if it wanted tell me something

It rushed and penetrated my skin and got absorbed into my bones

Giving me chills,

I took deep breath;

Inhaled beautiful smell of wet earth

I observed few water droplets on grills

I looked into one droplet sliding

But noticed other win the race;

Or May be there wasn’t any race at all!

I saw my plant on balcony, showing me direction of the wind

I remember I spotted moon a few minutes ago

I moved few steps ahead and tried to find it again

But the blanket of clouds have covered it so well

Leaving no clue.

Then I placed myself back to the same position again

Noticed lightening, up there in clouds

Sharp, with random creases;

And within fraction of seconds it went off

I waited for another one,

But I didn’t find it there, where I was looking

Rather I have noticed it somewhere else

It made me to think that may be sometimes what we are looking for

Need not to be found in the place where we have lost them

May be we can spot them out somewhere else, may be better place

But in between observing all these, one thing was constant in my mind;

And it was memories of how people have made me feel, as I have met them;

With passing time.

-Susmita Roy

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric

You matter

Photo by cottonbro

I wish I could write happy poetries

But I couldn’t, you know why?

Because I don’t feel so

I feel sorry for myself

For the sleepless nights that I spend in pain

With heavy heart, wet pillows

Weeping till eyes are swollen again

Hugging pillow tight;

Trying endlessly to mend hollowness inside

Remembering your talk, your gaze

That shine in your eyes;

When I see you happy inside out

Those soft wrinkles around your eyes;

When you smile,

I wish you could understand;

How much you matter to me.

Whatever I have treasured;

Are the memories that holds you in them

All I have asked is for your presence, is it too much to ask?

It’s not even to make you mine, just your mere presence.  

I wish you could see and feel, what I feel;

May be that might could have make you stay.

I wish you could come back again

Not just because I want it;

But because I know you want it too.

-Susmita Roy

Photo by fotografierende

You were never mine!!

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova

You were you and I was me, perfect and full individually.

It was then, I realized that what seems like, need not to be always true!

As time passes we walked parallel, talking unfolding thoughts and, ideas. I perceived that I was partial even he was too.

There were some gaps that needed to be filled, guess what?!! As time passes, how we mend each other’s gaps so well unknowingly and, it was a perfect fit startlingly. This link that was built over time, failed all the social barriers.

With the passing days, I thought I have heard him enough, known his dreams enough, his past, his present and, his most sinful thoughts to deeds. I thought I have got it all, cause how hard it could be to understand one? Whom you spend quality time with.

To every conversation that I shared with him gave me brightest of imagination and colourful dreams, where everything was possible.

I trusted him with all, no if, no but, no what if, I accepted him with all. Even when I was unsure about every moment.

Days slipped into weeks, weeks to months and, then he built home in me and I built home in him too, I was ready, I was ready to give every inch of me.

He dropped one fine day, the moment it all sank in deepest of oceans, all broken and scattered, all turned out to be a whole mess.

I knew that deep down he wanted it all and, nothing at once, he wanted the love but was not ready to be bound in any commitments. He led me question to all the feelings that I let created within me in his presence.

I broke that day, knowing that there were some created limitations that he surrounded with and I tried to cross it unknowingly, trust me if I knew it, that there were also boundaries in his love for me, I could have never loved him. Because at least in love I didn’t wanted any barriers.

Then, I realized all these were meant to make me realize that he was never mine ‘you were never mine’. A lesson learnt for good.

-Susmita Roy.

Photo by Lorraine Steriopol

The balcony

Photo by Carmen Cobo

You know?! There are times once in a blue moon that my phone rings, no it does ring often but I’m talking about the times when someone special calls. During those nights I give up all the things that are important just to get some time to talk to that one person, in front of whom all my so called necessary or important jobs seems less important. As soon as my phone rings and I found it is from him, I’ll rush to next room or mostly ‘the balcony’ to have some space, my friend would ask me “Kya baat hai? Kon hai?” I could never answer those questions what would I say? I always give a broad smile and head to balcony. Because things have never been clear to me or to him to be able to explain to others.

So I rush to balcony where there is that broken cloth hanging two rods that neither I nor my friends could fix it to have that pull and drop convenience. Though we still use it to put our clothes to dry. Passing this in our rectangular small balcony I find space to fit my two foot and lay my arms on the balcony wall. I would quickly picked the call and you know this was the call because just to enquire why did I called him earlier.

Sometimes he would ask me about me like how am I doing and my family and I would ask the same and then he would say I have some work and I’ll say in reply oh okay! No problem then he would cut the call.

During those times you have no clue how I covet to talk to you but you would end up, as you have mostly being caught up with your job.  

Then standing there in support with balcony wall. I, making my face resting on my right palm, holding phone on my left hand and thinking endlessly. Facing beautiful night view few tall buff up buildings, a number of coconut trees, road with few rushing vehicles, and beautiful night sky with stars if I’m lucky enough I get to see moon too. Mostly the cool breeze that would hit me, making me realize that ‘you should move on’ but me and my tenacious heart would find one or all the beautiful memories to not to let him go.

Then most often I would play some old songs and enjoy viewing the night sky, wind blowing against my body, thinking of him, what if I shouldn’t have to fear to lose him anymore?

-Susmita Roy

Photo by Kevin Menajang

You are my Sky!

Photo by TITUS GROUP

Hello!

Thanks! For making time and taking pause from all the drama that goes in an everyday life to read this piece right here. So this is a story about a 21 years old girl yes girl! Cuz she still chose to live in her fantasy world, where love and emotions are given more weightage than anything else. Where she still believes love will win no matter what? But until when she is gonna keep her-self locked in shell that she created with her imagination. She was happy in love, for her everything seems so perfect but only in her view but the society will never praise her for the feelings that she has let it to make home in her heart.

Going back in time when she is about 16 years old she has fantasized her world will be filled with love and the surprising thing is that she was little practical that she used to also think about the other side of the coin is also possible that not getting what she wants, but which used to remain unanswered. She was naïve, honest, kind and often used to say, if she loves someone she will love with all her heart out. This thing was fixed. Growing up to 21, she found the one who loves her like no one else and even she is loving with all her heart out as she uttered it when she was 16.

Things were perfect even all unhappy days when shared with each other appeared bearable. The love was felt more rather stating it that I love you, care was taken more rather showing off, things were understood without even expressing, the bond was that pious and strong.

She still get amazed seeing past how things were all shorted and beautiful it was!! But now when she is 24, life seems like it has caught us into the web that is too complicated to break and come out.

-Susmita Roy

Processed with VSCO with e5 preset

Re-discovering my old diary

You remember? How I used to reach out to tell you everything!

From mood off, small arguments, feeling small to health issues

Small things that I learned today to the things that brought smile on my face

About mundane stuffs to new things that I’m finding interesting recently

You were there to listen to me to be happy with me, to pull me up when I was downhearted

You remember how you used to appreciate every piece of my writings to all my paintings

You taught me to never giving up on things which I loved doing

But who would have thought that IG page if you remember I created it

Because once you told me let the people know what you have got

I started that page and it was lovely it gave me so many friends,

Lots of appreciation, courage that yes I can do something that is good that people can actually resonate with and connect with me.

I was glad it reached 370 followers with 149 posts I never though I can really reach that many as it was just my hobbies coming out and reaching people. Though now I have erased the account but memories are still intact in my mind.

For my writings, you told me once that you love it so much and you have never seen such kind of writing as you have read so many foreign author books, but you felt something special is there in my writings I didn’t believed and I told you, are you lying? But you said no I’m not.

But see it makes no sense to me, as my writings couldn’t bring you back.

It couldn’t make you realize that how much you presence is important in my life,

It couldn’t make you understand that I’m so sorry for past and I wanted new beginning.

But you just chose to be silent.

I’m sure I won’t regret it because in last letter I expressed my heart out and openly asked for new beginning. But do you think it is good to not to talk? I might be younger than you but I guess I have understood the importance of human beings in our lives, their emotions and moreover that our life is uncertain.

Can you afford to not talk for so long? But you always loved them silently, I just want to say that don’t come to my grave to express how much you loved and cared for me when you couldn’t say it when I was alive. Seems life is a joke I can’t even have a tomb in graveyard because I’m Hindu. I don’t know you may laugh at this or not that’s up to you.

So I don’t really believe that I’m a good writer.

Now as you were not there, I reach out to diaries again where I used to express myself before I met you,

Actually your presence made me to feel there is need of diary at all, but now you see I’m re-discovering it again.

It never left me. It’s still there lying on my desk without anger that why didn’t I share my thoughts for so long? It didn’t even asked me anything and have embraced me again.

I think this time I’ll not give up on my diary, it is my forever, because humans can’t be that’s what I have realized recently.

-Susmita Roy.

Photo by Markus Winkler

Your birthday

Belated birthday wishes to you

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch

I noticed you well that day

You were in dark blue jeans, checked shirt and a pair black shoes

Your shirt was colourful and seemed so new and vibrant!

My eyes got stuck, and I couldn’t resist myself appreciating your new look

As it was different from your usual plane shirt collections

Then, I ended up making a gesture with my finger;

And supporting with words nice dress!

In return you said it’s my birthday;

I was in hurry leaving the room

But as soon as I heard you;

I came back in surprise and wished you happy birthday!

You said thank you with big smile.

Then made myself to leave to continue with my stuffs

As soon as day ended from workplace, I saw you again

We started walking together then, you paused;

Bringing your mobile out of your pocket

And asked me shall we take a selfie

You have no clue how much happy it made me

Then we headed outwards and it was time to bye to each other;

But you asked shall we have ice-cream outside

I was like no it’s okay, as you know I’m damn shy person

Then you said I don’t have anyone here to celebrate my birthday with

These words hit me and I uttered let’s go!

We headed to nearest place then you asked which flavour you’d like;

I said anything you like, you ordered vanilla;

We had it with some awkward smiles and talks

Then as soon as we finished our ice creams

We headed out, I said thanks for the treat and happy birthday.

You said thanks for coming, then we said bye to each other and left

But as soon as I reached my room, I just kept on recapping all the things that happened

Because it made me so happy, spending time with you

You know what?! Each minute spent with you becomes special automatically

Without any effort, naturally.

Suddenly these memories popped out of head and made me to write it.

-Susmita Roy

Photo by Kaustubh Swami

Lost

Lost

Photo by TanteTati–77004

I put on this big smile

Sometimes I’m my smile

Sometimes I’m not         

Sometimes happiness is on its peak;

Found on smallest things

Sometimes it’s just too hard;

It’s all dark and cold

I just feel hard to get up from bed

Happiness is no more in achievements

I feel this emptiness

I wonder, why it’s just so hard to forget you.

It’s been few months now

You didn’t even try to reach me

I did try to reach you but my attempts failed

You wonder why?

You left me with no options to reach you.

Don’t know whom to tell

How it exactly feels?

I just don’t prefer to open up

Thinking about the pain;

They won’t even understand

It’s damn silly, isn’t it?

Looking for happiness where I lost them

Why there is hope that you’ll come back

But now I’m losing it, hope and myself

I don’t know what’s right or wrong

I just know that I love and care for you and will always do.

No matter what.

-Susmita Roy

Hope

Photo by Leah Kelley

“Dada”

To my human superhero

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok

Probably the word “Dada” that I learnt to utter just after saying “Maa” and “Baba”

Though it isn’t just a word to me, it’s him;

The most important grown up person next to parents

Who has guided me always without any appreciation

He taught me karate, lol! I’m kidding it was just a part of childhood games

He’s my very first inspiration behind improving my handwriting;

I remember copying bunch of letters from his notebooks secretly.

He stands as an inspiration to me on stuffs like art, music and science.

I always love his art works you name it! From acrylic paints to clay art to digital art everything.

Okay! It wouldn’t be justice if I only acknowledge my brother for music because I got my dad too to share this part here.

We were not exception in fighting like any other kids, we fought every single day!

Well now I don’t remember why there wasn’t any thing called “Peace and harmony”

But I guess childhood is meant to be like that;

I remember him suggesting me to participate in any sort of public speaking competitions

And practicing in front of mirror, that’s what he taught me.

He also taught me how learning English is crucial in order to communicate with others,

So that I can present well my ideas and get to interact with large group of people.

If you see me as a person with interests in variety of things it would be because of him.

Like I got to know Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Michael Jackson, 50 Cent, Eminem, Metallica band all these western most popular musicians just because of him.

Though I remember complaining to my mom whenever he played heavy metal songs

Because heavy metal music feels literal earthquake!!

Reading books, I remember he often used to read basking in the sun at our backyard

He’s an avid reader and a bibliomane

I learnt how to respect books, and I hate when someone marks my book with a pen

I got this thing from my brother he also hates it.

Earlier he always used to amaze me and my younger sister;

With exciting science stuffs like aliens, time machine, parallel world, dinosaur, dragon.

These topics always used to blow my minds, always gives me different dimension to think.

He’s a really good speaker, a debater. He can spellbind with his communication skills.

I never realized, but when I look back he was the most favourite one among kids.

Kids they love him a lot. I’m not exaggerating things rather underlining the truth

Nowadays we laugh at the things once we used to fight for, it seems like yesterday that we were all together annoying our beloved mother with our arguments and super loud noises.

That’s how we grew up!

The things which I never understood back than like him criticizing me to become a better person.

I remember him saying that, “Criticism will make you strong”

Indeed! Life is not always rosy, sometimes it’s dark!

And we got to stand strong during such times fighting against odds;

Now I have realized that how much I’m blessed to have you as my brother.

Yours

-Susmita Roy

Childhood memories

Photo by Dan Hamill